Reflections on the Massacre at Mercaz HaRav

You can use your present experiences to re-examine your past experiences in order to understand them on a more detailed level. This Shabbat I spent some time re-examining the difference between friends and family. After the events of Thursday night I have been given more clarity. In case you haven’t heard, 8 of my brothers were murdered on Thursday night. I don’t call them brothers because they were also religious, I don’t call them brothers because they also were learning in a yeshiva, I call them brothers because they were Jews. My grandmother once told me she felt more comfortable around Jews. I didn’t quite understand what she was saying then, but now think I understand. She was saying that every Jew is not just your friend, but is in your extended family.

Jeff Gross asked me on Wednesday night if I still keep in touch with my old friends. I laughed because I didn’t want to cry. The people who I used to have a prominent connection to are no longer friends of mine. Until the events of Thursday night I didn’t understand why.

Just like I miss my 8 dead brothers, I also miss all my old friends who I don’t keep in touch with. I felt like they were family, but now I realize that they were only friends.

I used to feel bad that I lost so many of my old friends. I didn’t understand why I wrote e-mails and tried to stay in touch but they didn’t reciprocate. I didn’t understand why even though we had different hobbies we couldn’t stay in touch. I realize now that the reason we don’t keep in touch doesn’t mean I lost my friends. This is not a negative thing at all. My transition to a more observant lifestyle clarified to me who my friends were and who my family was. Some of them do still keep in touch with me and I am grateful for that. The friends I have kept in touch with are part of my family.

With family it’s different. It’s just so much more likely that your family is doing for you instead of doing for themselves. My parents always tell me the only thing you can count on is your family. The reason you can always count on family is because they are connected to you through all the wonderful things they have given you. My mother doesn’t love me because I make her happy; she loves me because she raised me. She gave me my life; something I can never repay her for, and will never be able to express how thankful I am. I am so grateful for all of my wonderful family who through this difficult period of my change has stuck with me because we are still family, and we always will be.

I learned another thing from the death of my 8 brothers. When my 8 brothers died on Thursday night I felt like something was taken from me. I felt like I was missing something. I didn’t understand what I was missing. I had never met one of them. How can you miss something you never had?

I was speaking to my sister on Thursday night and she told me that someone who she barely knows asked her if she was going to be present at a certain event on campus. She said she was not going to be there. This person said, “I will miss you very much.” My sister asked me a simple question, “Why will she miss me very much? She doesn’t even know me.” At the time I didn’t have an answer.

I realized through the death of my 8 brothers that the answer was simple. You can miss something you never experienced. You can miss an opportunity. You can miss potential. You can miss your family even if you are not close.

When my 8 brothers lost their lives, I missed them. I don’t miss the time we shared together, because we never shared any time together. I miss the fact that I will never be able to have a relationship with them. They were part of my extended family and I will no longer be able to get to know them.

When my sister asked me why this person said, “I will miss you very much,” I think she was saying I will miss the potential opportunity to strengthen our relationship. Every Jew is family and I will miss out on getting to know my sister.

I think one of the failings of Jewry in America was the inability to explain to the younger generation that there is a special connection between Jews. It’s something you cannot explain with words, it is something you just know to be true. Every Jew is connected with every other Jew and we should all mourn the 8 Jews who died on Thursday as what they are to us, brothers.

I will always miss my 8 brothers because they were part of my extended family, but the closer to immediate family you get, the more devastating the loss. I miss Marin Kanat even though I don’t really know her so well. She and I live far apart and we don’t get to spend much time together. I don’t miss our past relationship; I miss the opportunity to strengthen our relationship. We are cousins, and that is something very special. It is a connection that should be kept strong. I miss the opportunity to better our relationship.

It is my hope that on my upcoming trip to America I get to spend quality time with my family. I realize how important it is to keep your family together. I realize that the fact that at this point in my life I am living in Israel makes it very difficult to strengthen my relationships with my family in America. That’s why I cannot wait to come back home to spend time with the people who have always been there for me, and who I hope to always be there for.